What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 07:21
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Would this be the day?
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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So whats the point in blame.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why is Taylor Swift re-recording her albums?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was seconnd youngest,
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I will be 64.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was scared of men, in general
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My life is so biszare .
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She married twice! .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So, i spoilt her more .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Put me off passion for life!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..